worried.. sick..

when it hurts so much, u can't breath.. that's how u survive... "it isn't just death we hv to grief, it's life, it's loss, it's change, and when we wonder why it has to suck so much some time, has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember that it can turn on a dime.." -- Grey's 6


Just watched Grey's 6 and once again I feel like I'm being cornered, no.. it's not about something with McDreamy, though he's still so very tempting ;p It's about the tagline that says 'the season that changes everything'... I remember trying to do that with life, my life, for the past years...

Did u remember when you were born, getting toddler, and now older but mom still uses the phrase "you know, when you're a child..." you can see the blitz of stars in her eyes when she talks, for once it belongs to her only. Then time flies, you begin to see the flashes in someone else's eyes... and then there were two, three, four, till you've come to a point where you either forget or are too tired to continue counting... Things become less attractive yet people are turning seamless.

I have forgotten how it feels to have one's arms wrapping around body and be able to hear his heart beat - the same beat that gives life.. I have set aside the butterfly effect which strikes when seeing his name flashes even only from my cell blink or simply recognize his special-tone.. I thought by running away then I'd be safe, but I was mistaken!

I try to survive from seeing thru distance, I thought that's more than enough.. afraid that closer means dying in pain, giving it away while keeping me for myself, like hugging cancer and slowly dying..

Life continues to roll, careless, like a dice on a gamble-table... you either guess it right or lose the bet... I think, despite what people see, one will soon realize that life keeps on beating one's back either one is winner or perfect loser - can you believe that? Despite the winning bet, our earning will be put back to loss.. and it sucks big time :(

One gradually is missing his/her sight, losing his/her faith, going under and never come back to the surface... I have and I hardly see myself anymore. What have I turned myself into, dear God.. please save me..

These several nights, I came back to the surface.. there is a new hand there, with a life-flashing eyes chasing for his fantasy world, when only his near could bring comfort and his wrapping hands around me takes in the butterfly effect..

Am I the life-flashing eyes for him? I'm afraid I'm only dreaming and that he's simply passer-by..

I took a step back and observe..bent my knees tonite and pray to God, beg Him to lead me to light, the right life-flashing eyes..

Nite is still young, they say... I was listening to the fave tone again and again hoping to see his name on my cellphone screen, a simple blink would be just fine. I took my legs wrapped my arms around, inhaling the air wishing for his scent, putting on calming thoughts that he's just too busy with his work while I should've done my part as well :D

Maybe God's life has so much to tell tonite that it forgets to knock on my door.. while I'm so worried sick for him *sigh