“Kesedihan tidak pernah membiarkan kebahagiaan datang sendirian ke hidup manusia, padahal seringkali kita tak punya cukup persediaan untuk menjamunya bersamaan…”
Film Tentang Dia tu bercerita tentang cinta, harapan dan tentang dia – tentang hati yang telah beku! Tentang pengkhianatan manusia terhadap kepercayaan&apa yang dicarinya. Tentang menemukan apa yang dicari dalam hidup sambil berlomba dengan waktu.
Film tu mengingatkan g ttg diri g ndiri, cerita g… sayang nya g blom menemukan klimaks yang akan menampar dan sekaligus menyadarkan g akan sekeliling g! G sadar kalo g dah tlalu angkuh&padam tanpa perduli kebutuhan dan keinginan hidup atas g serta sebaliknya, tp either way I try it – no matter how people’d say as simple as that – I cant make it across Film yang sangat singkat tu sedikit banyak dah menampar g tp keangkuhan g ttp kekeuh meminta perhatian, meminta jawaban ats pertanyaan yg terjulur – akan rasa&keadilan (padahal selama ini I never take it first-handed… why this? Why me?). Bottom line nya, g blom tersadar jg…
Ma2, Bang Ded&Rian blg mkg ni blom waktunya g tuk membuka diri… mkg… ato mkg jg g kan memeluk kehampaan ni slamanya – hukuman ats semua keangkuhan g! Ya 4JJ ya Tuhan ku Yang Maha Mengetahui segalanya… bersihkanlah hati ni, bukakan mataku dan lapangkanlah jalanku – makhluk-Mu yang dilumuri dosa di saat mencari tahu apa yg hendak dikejar dalam hidup serta berkali-kali meminta waktu tuk mencari nya.
Bukannya g ga percaya lagi ma dunia – I am who I am yesterday, now and tomorrow – I am made to be what I am. All the pain, love, self-defense, anger and dignity learnt thru my path are forcing me to survive! And I always do. Bagi g perjamuan tu terus-menerus berlanjut, sampe2 g kecapekan dan kewalahan menangani kesedihan vs kebahagiaan (cerita kehidupan yg hampir slalu ga g pahamin). Lagi2 bukannya g ga mo mencicipi ‘pencarian’ tu sekali lagi (melepaskan diri dari belenggu ‘self-denial’ n ‘self-ignorance’), tp bayangan kalo bakal da korban dr kemungkinan ‘salah langkah’ n ‘permainan’ ni bikin g slalu ambil langkah MUNDUR n mengubur diri g lagi – lebih dalam lg! Sumpe g ga mo jd org yg SAMA kyk org yg dah nyakitin g – am not like HIM!
Siapa yg kn jd distracter – bakal nampar&nyadarin g, memeluk g erat – seperti yg tiap mlm g rasain meski cm bayangan, kiss all the pain away – as not to be the pain & stay beside me, wont let me go – forever. Will I ever believe in him? Will he stands for me? When will I find the answer to those questions in me?
(*) inspired from ‘Tentang Dia’ by Rudi Sujarwo & taken from novel Melly Goeslaw
It’s not FAIR!
I hear that notion too often in my ear, people write it down, confront it, make use of it… honestly, I am eager to ask them back – since it’s understandable FAIR is a matter of need, which comes from a right and possessed by human!
What is FAIR? What kind of FAIR do u want, need, see?
What do you actually hope for from FAIR?
What FAIR is for?
I’ve been told constantly that FAIR is putting something to where it belongs – well, on whose consideration would that be right? Or wrong? Is it giving smaller kid bigger bread and bigger kid smaller bread is FAIR? Should it be done the other way around? Or giving both the same size of bread is the Fairest of all (what’s that notion to come… now that it comes with stages :p)?
Another example – is it FAIR to act as local people to be accepted? Is it FAIR if u cant be just who u are? Is it FAIR if ur parents are divorced? Is it FAIR if someone cheated and got better grades than u? Is it FAIR to hurt or be hurt?
On which side is that FAIR?
For whose necessities are FAIR actually grant for?
Cant be avoided that taking FAIR as an object would cross us between rights and obligations. We, often, neglect what comes together with FAIR and what ends with a NOT-word. It’s hard to be human and even harder to live, but if living is all about FAIR only – then you can say GOD itself ‘s been unFAIR! As a matter of fact – it ISN’T… thanks to GOD
Putting something to where it should be – meaning FAIR, acting the way people would be pleased could also mean FAIR, take and give appropriately – meaning FAIR, being as it is – already FAIR, etc.
But for seconds before, could you just pause and think – is it your time or theirs to be FAIR? For their sake? Or yours? Is it really already FAIR enough?
What is FAIR? What kind of FAIR do u want, need, see?
What do you actually hope for from FAIR?
What FAIR is for?
I’ve been told constantly that FAIR is putting something to where it belongs – well, on whose consideration would that be right? Or wrong? Is it giving smaller kid bigger bread and bigger kid smaller bread is FAIR? Should it be done the other way around? Or giving both the same size of bread is the Fairest of all (what’s that notion to come… now that it comes with stages :p)?
Another example – is it FAIR to act as local people to be accepted? Is it FAIR if u cant be just who u are? Is it FAIR if ur parents are divorced? Is it FAIR if someone cheated and got better grades than u? Is it FAIR to hurt or be hurt?
On which side is that FAIR?
For whose necessities are FAIR actually grant for?
Cant be avoided that taking FAIR as an object would cross us between rights and obligations. We, often, neglect what comes together with FAIR and what ends with a NOT-word. It’s hard to be human and even harder to live, but if living is all about FAIR only – then you can say GOD itself ‘s been unFAIR! As a matter of fact – it ISN’T… thanks to GOD
Putting something to where it should be – meaning FAIR, acting the way people would be pleased could also mean FAIR, take and give appropriately – meaning FAIR, being as it is – already FAIR, etc.
But for seconds before, could you just pause and think – is it your time or theirs to be FAIR? For their sake? Or yours? Is it really already FAIR enough?
To Whom It May Concern
To see the world in
a cradle of sands,
unleash heaven
by humble-hearts,
Time will soon
be broken-down
to rest in peace
As human can
really understand,
by the power of God!
(to those out there asking for ‘5wh question+how’ and some people that’ve been hanging around me… it’s time to decide which path, coz I hate to answer all questions addressed all the time – AM NO GOD! Am not even sure whether am human enough… what’s with u guys anyway?! Helping is good but getting into private-stuffs is another thing…but u know what, I cant stop myself from putting my finger on somebody else’s pie – on their behalf of course )
a cradle of sands,
unleash heaven
by humble-hearts,
Time will soon
be broken-down
to rest in peace
As human can
really understand,
by the power of God!
(to those out there asking for ‘5wh question+how’ and some people that’ve been hanging around me… it’s time to decide which path, coz I hate to answer all questions addressed all the time – AM NO GOD! Am not even sure whether am human enough… what’s with u guys anyway?! Helping is good but getting into private-stuffs is another thing…but u know what, I cant stop myself from putting my finger on somebody else’s pie – on their behalf of course )
AN IDEAL JOB
Couple of days ago I was, again, called for an interview – this time it’s in one of the suite in Wisma Aldiron. I guess all went well, until the interviewer asked about what an Ideal job would be for me. Suddenly I went flying through the roof and gone for a while – I always consider life is concept and I am living to feed the concept and be fed back by it! Ideal is something I held in my mind, honestly I never consider ideal job for an ideal life, or an ideal love within an ideal guy, or an ideal dream in an ideal future.
I kind a live for today and tomorrow – instead of bothering for unclear stories (I, myself, am already unclear). I am trying to understand what’s happening in me! I wanna be able to cope with anything before I mess-up somebody else’s life ;p
Back again to the interview room, back again to her question about ‘an ideal job’. ”Ma’am, as I said before… life is concept, none of them has the same meaning to each and every one of us. Then, you are asking about an ideal job – which is for me quite simple to answer that (since I’ve never really worked before), all I want is being able to gain new experiences and earn money, at the same time :D I think your consideration of an ideal job would be totally different to mine – coz I am, for sure, not gonna say this if I already had ‘any experiences’. If I can ask BIG I’d… you’ve read my lip when you insist on asking about my expected salary – it’s an expected one, given is another thing.
She smiled at me – I need it after coming through all that mess-wheatear & trouble. This is a lot better than my 1st interview (but I get the job from the 1st one… those are NOT ideal but more like an answered-pray ). For all she could catch up on me aside of my being a narcissi, I am actually quite welcome and enthusiast. For all the company in the world should concern, I am gonna be one of the best experiences ever working in their industry.
Well, it’s not that I don’t have any experience – lots to consider on my enemies and friends, hehehehe… ;D but then again, am looking for another meaning of ‘ideal’, the point is more than just ‘ideal’ – that’s what I put up in my next interview at an Exchange Company (again… life’s unpredictable and at the same time small, that the interviewer came out to be my Senior High senior – which I used to had a cling on him – anyway…).
I am trying to figure out how can woman and man meet if ‘the ideal’ in mind is a total lost on the way. Woman wants “welcomed hopes”, while man wants “to be understand – over all”. Don’t you agree, if the only ideal place for them to meet is – perhaps – in Alam Barzah, where it all ends – period.
Gosh, where’s this mystery-writings going?
I kind a live for today and tomorrow – instead of bothering for unclear stories (I, myself, am already unclear). I am trying to understand what’s happening in me! I wanna be able to cope with anything before I mess-up somebody else’s life ;p
Back again to the interview room, back again to her question about ‘an ideal job’. ”Ma’am, as I said before… life is concept, none of them has the same meaning to each and every one of us. Then, you are asking about an ideal job – which is for me quite simple to answer that (since I’ve never really worked before), all I want is being able to gain new experiences and earn money, at the same time :D I think your consideration of an ideal job would be totally different to mine – coz I am, for sure, not gonna say this if I already had ‘any experiences’. If I can ask BIG I’d… you’ve read my lip when you insist on asking about my expected salary – it’s an expected one, given is another thing.
She smiled at me – I need it after coming through all that mess-wheatear & trouble. This is a lot better than my 1st interview (but I get the job from the 1st one… those are NOT ideal but more like an answered-pray ). For all she could catch up on me aside of my being a narcissi, I am actually quite welcome and enthusiast. For all the company in the world should concern, I am gonna be one of the best experiences ever working in their industry.
Well, it’s not that I don’t have any experience – lots to consider on my enemies and friends, hehehehe… ;D but then again, am looking for another meaning of ‘ideal’, the point is more than just ‘ideal’ – that’s what I put up in my next interview at an Exchange Company (again… life’s unpredictable and at the same time small, that the interviewer came out to be my Senior High senior – which I used to had a cling on him – anyway…).
I am trying to figure out how can woman and man meet if ‘the ideal’ in mind is a total lost on the way. Woman wants “welcomed hopes”, while man wants “to be understand – over all”. Don’t you agree, if the only ideal place for them to meet is – perhaps – in Alam Barzah, where it all ends – period.
Gosh, where’s this mystery-writings going?
Vulnerable
“She’s so vulnerable…
A china in my hand!
I could never hurt the one I love,
She’s all I got
She’s so vulnerable…”
I never put myself weak, I can never accept that – the first time my father hit me with a nailed-stick, I watched the whole family cried, I could see my mother’s pain, I understand superiority, I could have anger, pain and love (which I still dunno what those are until now!), that I own my life, realize that am dependable – eventually, nothing that I express is the real thing – not that am a liar! Am friends with the evil in me, I keep on throwing questions and none answers I get – sucks :p
I never felt so out of place… people say so constantly! “What’s wrong?” is it true what my friends said that I am a robot? That I have a frozen iced-rock heart? I never cry and feel pain? (how come…) I never look really-really feel ANYTHING? (is it so…)
I fell, bleed, felt mad and sad – constantly like anybody else – but I never think that any one would care, so what for to share it anyway?
Why is it so confused? I am just trying to survive – this is how I am doing it – why don’t u ask yourself, why do u get blank and selfish because of love, you cant read what’s meant – which’s never written? All I know, life’s not always about love but there will be logic, sacrifices, hopes and a whole lot more concept of happiness in each and every individuals.
Say, what is love? I used to think love was like brownies – my favorite cake – but how come I see those people having love is like having simalakama fruit stuck in their throats! What’s with you guys? Cat got ur tongue?
I cant stand where the television keep on rolling movies demanding love-story pretty much with scrambled-eggs attitude, my best-friend keep saying that she wants to have a guy, my brother who’s busy with his girl-friend, while all I have in mind is work…work… work… and money! It’s not that I am not NORMAL… REALLY!? But in the mean time, I feel like I need to loosen up and understand myself more than before – which I consider previous catastrophe was all mistaken caused by misunderstanding and I am STUPID if I let that happens again in my life.
Please, don’t be confused of me.
All I know about love now, is that, love is RALF;) I realize when my hand hurts, I cry, feel exhausted, angry, need someone to share a story – he’s attentive and adores me! He never complains and sues anything, be irresponsible and mad, or even thinks of leaving me. But then again, he’s too good to be true – he’s just a DOLL :’/
A china in my hand!
I could never hurt the one I love,
She’s all I got
She’s so vulnerable…”
I never put myself weak, I can never accept that – the first time my father hit me with a nailed-stick, I watched the whole family cried, I could see my mother’s pain, I understand superiority, I could have anger, pain and love (which I still dunno what those are until now!), that I own my life, realize that am dependable – eventually, nothing that I express is the real thing – not that am a liar! Am friends with the evil in me, I keep on throwing questions and none answers I get – sucks :p
I never felt so out of place… people say so constantly! “What’s wrong?” is it true what my friends said that I am a robot? That I have a frozen iced-rock heart? I never cry and feel pain? (how come…) I never look really-really feel ANYTHING? (is it so…)
I fell, bleed, felt mad and sad – constantly like anybody else – but I never think that any one would care, so what for to share it anyway?
Why is it so confused? I am just trying to survive – this is how I am doing it – why don’t u ask yourself, why do u get blank and selfish because of love, you cant read what’s meant – which’s never written? All I know, life’s not always about love but there will be logic, sacrifices, hopes and a whole lot more concept of happiness in each and every individuals.
Say, what is love? I used to think love was like brownies – my favorite cake – but how come I see those people having love is like having simalakama fruit stuck in their throats! What’s with you guys? Cat got ur tongue?
I cant stand where the television keep on rolling movies demanding love-story pretty much with scrambled-eggs attitude, my best-friend keep saying that she wants to have a guy, my brother who’s busy with his girl-friend, while all I have in mind is work…work… work… and money! It’s not that I am not NORMAL… REALLY!? But in the mean time, I feel like I need to loosen up and understand myself more than before – which I consider previous catastrophe was all mistaken caused by misunderstanding and I am STUPID if I let that happens again in my life.
Please, don’t be confused of me.
All I know about love now, is that, love is RALF;) I realize when my hand hurts, I cry, feel exhausted, angry, need someone to share a story – he’s attentive and adores me! He never complains and sues anything, be irresponsible and mad, or even thinks of leaving me. But then again, he’s too good to be true – he’s just a DOLL :’/
MENELAN BUAH PAHIT TERASA MANISNYA…
“… belajarlah dari org2 yg membenci kita…” bgitu kata Aa Gym di salah satu acara tv swasta minggu siang, sketika tu jg sontak g lsg terdiam – hehehe… ngaku ja, ga mkg semua org di dunia suka ma qt so it’s possible that someone may not like u (lha wong kamu jg blom tentu sk sma semua org… ;p).
Duh… jd inget dech (mang dah lewat lebarannya… tp forgive and forget kan bs setiap saat) kl pernah bikin salah ma org2 di sekitar g, jgn2 dah segunung… :’[ (maaf bt semuanya…)
Trus nyokap jg ikut berceramah (gr2 g ngotot… pahit bgt donk musti belajar dr org2 yg benci qt, lha wong ketemu ja ogah plagi dsuruh mcm2 :p ), kl org yg benci ma qt tu pasti senengnya cari2 kesalahan qt… dari situ qt bs bljar ‘perbaiki’ diri donk, br jd lebih baek… (weh… meaning bs ja one day abis tu qt malah harus say thanks to them ;d )
Eits… jgn2 kl disruh belajar dari org2 yg membenci qt, org2 berbondong-bondong pengen punya ‘org yg membenci’ (that cant be hard!) … br bs lebih banyak pelajaran yg didapat – seru jg ya?! (Naudzubillah) Memang baek jd penting tp lebih penting jd baek – that’s what they say (reverse theory’s applied)… so, friends or enemies?
Duh… jd inget dech (mang dah lewat lebarannya… tp forgive and forget kan bs setiap saat) kl pernah bikin salah ma org2 di sekitar g, jgn2 dah segunung… :’[ (maaf bt semuanya…)
Trus nyokap jg ikut berceramah (gr2 g ngotot… pahit bgt donk musti belajar dr org2 yg benci qt, lha wong ketemu ja ogah plagi dsuruh mcm2 :p ), kl org yg benci ma qt tu pasti senengnya cari2 kesalahan qt… dari situ qt bs bljar ‘perbaiki’ diri donk, br jd lebih baek… (weh… meaning bs ja one day abis tu qt malah harus say thanks to them ;d )
Eits… jgn2 kl disruh belajar dari org2 yg membenci qt, org2 berbondong-bondong pengen punya ‘org yg membenci’ (that cant be hard!) … br bs lebih banyak pelajaran yg didapat – seru jg ya?! (Naudzubillah) Memang baek jd penting tp lebih penting jd baek – that’s what they say (reverse theory’s applied)… so, friends or enemies?
ANTARA KEBAHAGIAAN DAN PILIHAN HIDUP (*)
Dikatakan hidup itu pilihan lantaran qt harus memilih antara mempertahankan kebahagiaan dan melepaskan kebahagiaan itu alih-alih demi keselamatan! Sementara apa itu kebahagiaan, pilihan, dan hidup? Kenapa disebut seperti itu? Makna apa yang ditempelkan manusia pada konsep kata2 tersebut?
Sungguhpun tiada yang salah dengan konsep hidup – coz once one ever said that life’s actually what u think (I think it’s true…) – bener dech, sampe sejauhmana manusia bs mempertahankan konsep kebahagiaan? Mang hidup tu pa? pa kebahagiaan = hidup dan atau hidup = kebahagiaan? Hahahha… bingung? gpp, artinya masih mikir donk…
Kebahagiaan adalah konsep, realisasinya perut terasa tergelitik oleh berjuta rasa gara2 da kupu2 yg kurang kerjaan berterbangan di sana, rasanya melayang – tanpa sayap, dada berdebar, bulir2 abu2 di kepala rasanya hilang kendali, jalan darah tiba2 berhenti – which come to think of it, ce n’est pas possible, kadang tersungging senyum ato menitikkan air mata, pkk sejuta rasanya… (mkg da jg yg kl lg bahagia malah marah2?!)
“apakah kau bahagia?”
“apakah kau hidup?”
Bangunan itu adalah hidup dan pilarnya dibuat dari kebahagiaan (let’s put it that way, shall we?), apakah segalanya tiada arti jika semua tu tak da? Hei…hei… masih ada yg namanya pondasi, lho…
Naahh… kenapa jd mikirin bangunan dan pilar, kl dari pondasi yg kokoh qt masih bs membuat bangunan dan pilar baru yg lebih… lebih… lg
Wah…wah… tu malah jd satu hal yg perlu dipikirkan lg, kl gitu pa pondasi tu? Terbuat dari pa? untuk pa? bisanya pa? hihihihi… that’s something I like about writing, u can never stop – REALLY REALLY STOP =]
Kalo boleh, kenapa ngga menggenggam hidup dan kebahagiaan di kedua tangan dan menduduki pondasinya… PUAS? That way u wont have to choose either 2 let go or to keep happiness and life 2gether… tp, who knows ternyata da ‘kebahagiaan-kebahagiaan’ laen yang menarik mata – dasar manusia ga pernah puas – trus, melepaskan ‘kebahagiaan yang satu demi yang laennya disebut pa donk?
“hidup tu pilihan?!”
Well, such wise notion 4 that question… berarti pilihan adalah memberikan jawaban atas pertanyaan ‘yg mana’ dan memberikan legitimasi atas keserakahan manusia biar bs ‘melarikan diri’. Masalah salah/bener tu seh jargon… gda yg bs nentuin kecuali 4JJI – if everybody else’s doin it so why don’t u?
(*) closing notion film Jepang OSHIN dan film India KAL HO NAA HO (entah ada atau tidak)
Sungguhpun tiada yang salah dengan konsep hidup – coz once one ever said that life’s actually what u think (I think it’s true…) – bener dech, sampe sejauhmana manusia bs mempertahankan konsep kebahagiaan? Mang hidup tu pa? pa kebahagiaan = hidup dan atau hidup = kebahagiaan? Hahahha… bingung? gpp, artinya masih mikir donk…
Kebahagiaan adalah konsep, realisasinya perut terasa tergelitik oleh berjuta rasa gara2 da kupu2 yg kurang kerjaan berterbangan di sana, rasanya melayang – tanpa sayap, dada berdebar, bulir2 abu2 di kepala rasanya hilang kendali, jalan darah tiba2 berhenti – which come to think of it, ce n’est pas possible, kadang tersungging senyum ato menitikkan air mata, pkk sejuta rasanya… (mkg da jg yg kl lg bahagia malah marah2?!)
“apakah kau bahagia?”
“apakah kau hidup?”
Bangunan itu adalah hidup dan pilarnya dibuat dari kebahagiaan (let’s put it that way, shall we?), apakah segalanya tiada arti jika semua tu tak da? Hei…hei… masih ada yg namanya pondasi, lho…
Naahh… kenapa jd mikirin bangunan dan pilar, kl dari pondasi yg kokoh qt masih bs membuat bangunan dan pilar baru yg lebih… lebih… lg
Wah…wah… tu malah jd satu hal yg perlu dipikirkan lg, kl gitu pa pondasi tu? Terbuat dari pa? untuk pa? bisanya pa? hihihihi… that’s something I like about writing, u can never stop – REALLY REALLY STOP =]
Kalo boleh, kenapa ngga menggenggam hidup dan kebahagiaan di kedua tangan dan menduduki pondasinya… PUAS? That way u wont have to choose either 2 let go or to keep happiness and life 2gether… tp, who knows ternyata da ‘kebahagiaan-kebahagiaan’ laen yang menarik mata – dasar manusia ga pernah puas – trus, melepaskan ‘kebahagiaan yang satu demi yang laennya disebut pa donk?
“hidup tu pilihan?!”
Well, such wise notion 4 that question… berarti pilihan adalah memberikan jawaban atas pertanyaan ‘yg mana’ dan memberikan legitimasi atas keserakahan manusia biar bs ‘melarikan diri’. Masalah salah/bener tu seh jargon… gda yg bs nentuin kecuali 4JJI – if everybody else’s doin it so why don’t u?
(*) closing notion film Jepang OSHIN dan film India KAL HO NAA HO (entah ada atau tidak)
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