Raise my hands and Pray

Dad,
I talked to her and was hoping that she could at least share me some explanation.. but she gave me really a shockin & out-of-reasonable answer, she read my last note and thought since i've made my decision then the meeting is pointless -- in a way that anythg she said would make no difference.. She didnt read (what's hidden) between the lines..

That nite before the meeting,
I prayed, "God, please let me hear simple answer.. where she could just ease my pain, our pain.." I know He listened, but He's not giving it away easily.

Dad,
Sadly i dunno her anymore.. i no longer recognise smone sitting in frnt of me today stating that she doesnt feel any necessity to gv me some words over what had happened -- over what she wrote and considered an outburst.

Yes Dad,
Simply people hv various stands for sadeeq (friend; as it has a strong stand in Arabic) - and perhaps i wasnt too good of a best friend after all.. i dont point finger at nobody coz it think it's abt time to be maturely wise and after a deep thought undergo what u're due as well as accepting the consequences.. i am now, ready.. I appreciate people for what they believe and I respect them for standing on their values. I have mine and am keeping that, too..

Dad,
Thx for the late-nite chat.. really appreciate it! Also to all those friends out there whom i've asked for inputs.. this world is such a gracing place when people really understand what it's like under someone else shoes. May 4JJ SWT bless us all, amien!

So now,
I pray, "God, may your grace and strength be upon us.. Those who stay on your way! and may i am mature enough to walk on ur blessed path.. and please slap me on the face should i did evil but kiss me gently shall i be in goodness.. for the crisp of morning to the midst of nite. Amien"


XXX

SOMEBODY ELSE

"Why can't I be somebody else?
Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me.."

A friend of mine reacted strongly on how i treated the issue between me and someone we both know..

(X: my friend; Y: me)

X: but I don't really understand what are you upset about; and why does she have to apologise to you?
Y: i cant be upset when someone send me a message saying back-off my guy? and that person is my bfriend.. while that person knows am - at that time - down..
Y: and i dont even do anything
Y: i dont even understand what she meant
Y: and i dont need her apology..
Y: and she has done that twice on the same issue
Y: hhmm..
Y: perhaps u're right
X: so u can't understand her insecurity?
Y: i understand that..
Y: but she should also at the same point understand how to reach me on that..
X: that she is not as confident as you are, and that she can't help it but feel insecure at the fact that the guy she likes seems to be enjoy talking to you instead
Y: am always the first person protecting her.. mind that,
X: i mean if my supposed best buddy had the same issue; I will totally understand
Y: so how d'u want me to react on that?
Y: to her being insecure...??
Y: twice?
Y: tell me..
Y: how do u think i suppose to do
X: i am not saying anything; just that I would react differently
X: thats all
X: if that was my best friend
Y: well
Y: perhaps am not her best friend after all
Y: thx for reminding me,
Y: perhaps we arent best friend
X: perhaps
Y: i should tell her that later then when we meet Sun..
Y: that i couldnt get her being insecure around me..
Y: i just couldnt get her..
X: but thats what best friends are about
X: but like I said b4; maybe we don't define best frens the same way
Y: no
Y: i think u're right
Y: i'll tell her that
Y: am sure she'll think the same way
Y: tell her what?
Y: tell her what u just told me
X: which part?
Y: that i am no gud best friend
Y: all that u just said to me
X: yeah, if u feel that way; then do it
Y: i think she deserves better
X: yeah, she does
Y: thx for reminding me
X: no problems; what are frens for
X: to keep us in check
X: but lemme know how it goes, k
Y: sure

that really left me cornered..
am sorry, but both of u make me think this is some kind a conspiracy or smthg..
naah, perhaps he's just right am no gud of a best friend and i should really back-off... all he's doin as frens is to keep me in check

A 3am Report

As i was still mind-wandering at 3am in the morning.. Dad showed up, "My lil'baby daughter is still wide-awake!" was quite surprised to bump into him at this social-interconnection.

I told him about what makes me upset, what's been bothering me and no accomplishment are set.

He shared to me about relationship, how its ups and downs is the surreal connection that will last only when the two release their egos and cherish each other. Sometimes, there will be clash.. anger, upset and sadness -- but never give in to it until one who's in guilt-possession bequeath his/her story and apologize.. it's like living a life pretty much, dont you think?

"Dad," said to him, "It's not that easy when it comes to forgive and forget.. one can easily blemish the pain and walk away while others who are hurt never give in to such peace.. do you think he/she would likely to fit under their shoes? Less and lesser people consent themselves in crisis condition, pity.. as they could walk away when one they hurt stay (for God knows how long).."

He was silent for a moment, then continued. If that person really cares.. he/she will pertain and gain that relation back, if not then you should take your separate ways and go on! He knew I still can't get what he's giving me that nite.. my mind is still at wander.

"Be clear my dear, it's 3am in the morning and my baby should be resting.. keep some time away, that is.." and i put myself to bed.. feeling lost and cant find a blame.. i shut my eyes waited till morning comes and whispered gudbye to the midst of nite..

Should There Be a Limit

I wonder,
should there be a limit where one can stand above his/her feet and is able to address his/her thought? should there be a limit to which i, you, him or her, comprehend to others' deeds? should there be a limit to one's anger or disarray? Should there be a limit for one to sacrifice his/her feeling? Should there be a limit at all..

I am still wondering,
beneath the unanswered questions, beyond words of tiring souls to talk to though it's close to heart, here i bequeath my stories.. where as in the undead never gain peace, I, whose importance is in quest for none ever return, put myself cornered and set back to leave.

I was seeing reflection in the mirror when I saw one is staring back at me. It was firm, it was hurt, it was silence.. I am used to it but never before it's somewhat awhile too long.. I was seeing reflection in the mirror when it stared back at me daringly.

It was 'It' who cherishes gudship and breaks apart. It was 'It' who told 'Itself' to back-off and leave things unattended coz as simple as they may seem but deeper wound they cause.. I was seeing the reflection, slowly searching for recognition.

The bluish black.
The winding-airily hair.
The dark dark shadowy eyes.
The gazing figure.
The silver dolphin.
The crisp sinister smile.

I look thru the mirror and found the reflection staring back at me. And it was me. Only me. Alone