Sometime in life we’re to face such condition that we expect less or even NEVER! Nevertheless you cant turn your back around thus you’re stuck, not knowing what to do, neither any answer towards question – you’re not even sure whether questions are aroused yet… fuiihh are u feeling fine, my dear?
But then again, life’s the home of pandora’s box – once you open it you’ll have to collect everything that’s running out from the box (you consider them to be good and bad…) and decide importance, urgency, need, and fear! Well, if you’re reading this… the pandora’s box of urs is open – so, what are u waiting for?
You can never stop the time… it’ll run pass u whether u like it or not, many of us cant really understand clearly – I dunno why – that what’s been created and built in front of them is their own seed of deeds, soon the storm will come… I sure hope all of us are ready with their path and grab that we wont be rolled away and crashed. Easy said than done – well, then… there’s still use of me saying all these than shutting myself up ;p
Can you see ur reflection in the mirror? What did it say to u? Can u listen to ur heart beats? What did it think about u? Do u see surround u moving and embracing all over together? What did it reflect for u?
Ketika napas tu kembali dihembuskan pada nyawa di waktu subuh, guliran roda kehidupan kembali menghimpit dan mencengkram seakan memaksa pemiliknya berteriak lantang “HENTIKAN saja semua hal SIALAN ni…” tapi rentangan kenangan menarik waktu melipatnya pada malam dan memeluk do’a semoga esok akan tetap datang dan bersinar “fuih… MASIH ada MIMPI yg ingin diselesaikan!”, bergumul dengan selimut hangat dan menanti cahaya di ufuk timur seraya melepaskan napas bersama hembusan nyawa.
DO CRY!
One thing that I cant really do right now is crying, no matter how much I know that am hurt… I kept saying to myself that I can cry, am only human… I can be hurt, I can learn from things happened, but I cant cry… as if my water runs dry!
So funny to realize that I can cry over his being hurt and compassion but am numb over myself – again… I wanna be angry to God for setting me up into their matter, I wanna be mad to them for not being able to take care their relationship, I wanna be completely furious to myself over my own feeling that screwed everything-up!
The weather is even so supportive that it sets up rain and clouds to cover the sun; eventually he’s not my sun (he never belongs to me… he’s hers! Which I stupidly keep on insisting ;p), he’s just another light in my dark path accompanying me killing time over longing search and soon I’ll be leaving everything behind me to continue my search (as I keep on feeling ‘though I thought I’ve found my sun… firasat ni ternyata tidak salah).
Cuma ada banyak hal yg masih sulit buat diungkapkan, tatapan mata yg rapuh dan kosong, perasaan yg hancur, repayment, our deals, kenapa masih tetap ada dalam tiap bait perjalanan terakhir ni? Untuk apa semua tu? Kemana harus dibuang semua bayangan-bayangan tu? Kenapa seakan-akan semuanya terus merongrong untuk minta diselesaikan? Kenapa? Bukankah itu bukan hak ku lagi? Am NOBODY… and never will…:’( tapi kenapa seakan jiwaku masih tetap terikat dalam belenggu ni, betapapun permohonan atas rasa benci (well, I don’t hate friends… especially someone that I care about and that don’t change…) yang seakan sama semunya dengan kata-kata perpisahan, sepi yang seakan tak berani datang karena kita berdua malah terus mengeratkan diri satu sama lain demi rasa takut akan perpisahan dan terdampar – betapapun kita berusaha saling melonggarkan ikatan yg tak pernah ada keliatan (atau ini hanya perasaanku saja… egoisme yg terus-menerus tumbuh dalam diriku – ZUT!)! Menjelang tapal batas perpisahaan tu mkg masing2 dari kita akan mengerti pa maksud 4JJ SWT atas semua ni… (lagu SO7 – shepia is lingering in my head… am I? really?)
If am not around anymore, I just hope that (even when u consider the deals are off…) u’d consider on doing my wishes, since it ain’t any evil wishes and am not blackmailing u (how much I want it to…;p). Take a grab and hold on to it, as I used to hold on to u… just don’t let go as I did to u coz something happen in the way to heaven. Duh, putri rinjani… kamu mo kemana lagi seehhh?
I still cant cry over myself, am laughing over my stupidity! Meaning am still OK, right? Hihihi… Rian bakalan ngedelik kalo baca ni neh, well… I just hope she’d be as understanding as I am karena ternyata semua ni lah yg harus terjadi, that I cant stop loving him ‘though I know I’d be hurt – I don’t care… let it be the color of my life forever ;p and someday I’ll cry as am only human being.
So funny to realize that I can cry over his being hurt and compassion but am numb over myself – again… I wanna be angry to God for setting me up into their matter, I wanna be mad to them for not being able to take care their relationship, I wanna be completely furious to myself over my own feeling that screwed everything-up!
The weather is even so supportive that it sets up rain and clouds to cover the sun; eventually he’s not my sun (he never belongs to me… he’s hers! Which I stupidly keep on insisting ;p), he’s just another light in my dark path accompanying me killing time over longing search and soon I’ll be leaving everything behind me to continue my search (as I keep on feeling ‘though I thought I’ve found my sun… firasat ni ternyata tidak salah).
Cuma ada banyak hal yg masih sulit buat diungkapkan, tatapan mata yg rapuh dan kosong, perasaan yg hancur, repayment, our deals, kenapa masih tetap ada dalam tiap bait perjalanan terakhir ni? Untuk apa semua tu? Kemana harus dibuang semua bayangan-bayangan tu? Kenapa seakan-akan semuanya terus merongrong untuk minta diselesaikan? Kenapa? Bukankah itu bukan hak ku lagi? Am NOBODY… and never will…:’( tapi kenapa seakan jiwaku masih tetap terikat dalam belenggu ni, betapapun permohonan atas rasa benci (well, I don’t hate friends… especially someone that I care about and that don’t change…) yang seakan sama semunya dengan kata-kata perpisahan, sepi yang seakan tak berani datang karena kita berdua malah terus mengeratkan diri satu sama lain demi rasa takut akan perpisahan dan terdampar – betapapun kita berusaha saling melonggarkan ikatan yg tak pernah ada keliatan (atau ini hanya perasaanku saja… egoisme yg terus-menerus tumbuh dalam diriku – ZUT!)! Menjelang tapal batas perpisahaan tu mkg masing2 dari kita akan mengerti pa maksud 4JJ SWT atas semua ni… (lagu SO7 – shepia is lingering in my head… am I? really?)
If am not around anymore, I just hope that (even when u consider the deals are off…) u’d consider on doing my wishes, since it ain’t any evil wishes and am not blackmailing u (how much I want it to…;p). Take a grab and hold on to it, as I used to hold on to u… just don’t let go as I did to u coz something happen in the way to heaven. Duh, putri rinjani… kamu mo kemana lagi seehhh?
I still cant cry over myself, am laughing over my stupidity! Meaning am still OK, right? Hihihi… Rian bakalan ngedelik kalo baca ni neh, well… I just hope she’d be as understanding as I am karena ternyata semua ni lah yg harus terjadi, that I cant stop loving him ‘though I know I’d be hurt – I don’t care… let it be the color of my life forever ;p and someday I’ll cry as am only human being.
MISTAKES
“Sayang kau ada di mana? Aku butuh tuk tepiskan rindu… mungkinkah kau di sana rasakan hal yang sama? Sepi ku rasa hatiku saat ini… jika kau di sini aku tenang…”
“Aku tak percaya lagi dengan apa yang kau beri, aku terdampar di sini tersudut menunggu mati… aku berhenti berharap menunggu datangnya gelap hingga tak kan ada lagi cinta! Aku pulang… dan terima kekalahanku…”
I learned lots about happiness, anger, sadness, longing, jealousy. Those are the feelings that I have been stored for so many unfulfilled reasons and yet never ready to confront them. Perhaps, that’s the lesson I ought to understand…
Maybe it’s not about fixing things anymore, maybe this is not only about acknowledging friends but also refreshing myself, maybe this is more than just ‘filling it up’ feelings, maybe this isn’t just about me, him and her in repeated history, maybe… maybe… this has never been a mistake – coz God’s never mistaken! And maybe… this is what supposed to happen, Gosh… now am confused on how to finish it… (or u’d say it ain’t supposed to finish – not just yet? Well then, what should I do? We do?)
I always consider making files over our deeds; they help me cope with mistakes, joy-ride, and events… most of the times I like memorizing them. Coz in life, I understand, we don’t only create well-done deeds but also curb mistakes… its how we overcome it that matters. Surely, sometimes I cant imagine the strength I have to face those dines… over laughter and cries! Maybe… am just acting STUPID ;p but, does it pay-off? Dunno… really… am just trying to SURVIVE even for nothing at all.
For those of u out there, never be worried on any evil wishes of life upon u… for it’s a mistake, no matter how long u run it’ll find u back… SO, FACE IT! Relax… everything will eventually come to an end, maybe one of those days u’ll miss it, hahaha… :D relax… I believe now, that each and every one of us has a guardian angel… still a very own human being – but his/her compassion touches ur soul deeply that u cant resist, he/she might be ur loved one or perhaps only one passes by in ur life that u can never get rid-off… he/she might occur mistakes, give u peace, let u see happiness in u and others, open up ur heart and willing to break thru by standing next to u, putting on ur nerves, losing u to the ground…perhaps u can see him/her or perhaps u never notice him/her… maybe u can only smell him/her around u – always… perhaps he/she is just an empty space… but over all, he/she is sent by God to concur u!
U can never judge what’s right or mistaken till u’r in it… drown and finally see the whole surface to find a grab… if only u’d understand! A mistake in life is never realizing any good deeds while cursing thru urself (am listening to Flanella – bila engkau… remembering that this is one of my friends’ love song). Aaarrggggghh…. Am not going to curse on myself anymore, I promise to change to be someone better – that’s my evil wish on him, too… hope that he’d understand I grace the pain, I kiss the happiness before leaving and melt my piece to stain a memory…
Mistakes are not something to be hated, if only that’s right… my own best friend would be the 1st to hate and kill me, but she doesn’t… so, why cant I do the same to my sun? I will blame myself if u stop shining and instead burn urself while I cant do anything about it… I learn a lot more, that I need no repayment on those ‘words’ how much lovely would that be for me… the compassion is sincere, just like when God gives it to me… I want it to stay that way… hehehe, it’s just that am only human and I try to ‘punish’ u to accomplish the repayment – am so sorry, cher… ;p
Mistakes are every human being’s grounds, only God is the truth over all! May God forgive us and stay loving us thru times, amien…
“Aku tak percaya lagi dengan apa yang kau beri, aku terdampar di sini tersudut menunggu mati… aku berhenti berharap menunggu datangnya gelap hingga tak kan ada lagi cinta! Aku pulang… dan terima kekalahanku…”
I learned lots about happiness, anger, sadness, longing, jealousy. Those are the feelings that I have been stored for so many unfulfilled reasons and yet never ready to confront them. Perhaps, that’s the lesson I ought to understand…
Maybe it’s not about fixing things anymore, maybe this is not only about acknowledging friends but also refreshing myself, maybe this is more than just ‘filling it up’ feelings, maybe this isn’t just about me, him and her in repeated history, maybe… maybe… this has never been a mistake – coz God’s never mistaken! And maybe… this is what supposed to happen, Gosh… now am confused on how to finish it… (or u’d say it ain’t supposed to finish – not just yet? Well then, what should I do? We do?)
I always consider making files over our deeds; they help me cope with mistakes, joy-ride, and events… most of the times I like memorizing them. Coz in life, I understand, we don’t only create well-done deeds but also curb mistakes… its how we overcome it that matters. Surely, sometimes I cant imagine the strength I have to face those dines… over laughter and cries! Maybe… am just acting STUPID ;p but, does it pay-off? Dunno… really… am just trying to SURVIVE even for nothing at all.
For those of u out there, never be worried on any evil wishes of life upon u… for it’s a mistake, no matter how long u run it’ll find u back… SO, FACE IT! Relax… everything will eventually come to an end, maybe one of those days u’ll miss it, hahaha… :D relax… I believe now, that each and every one of us has a guardian angel… still a very own human being – but his/her compassion touches ur soul deeply that u cant resist, he/she might be ur loved one or perhaps only one passes by in ur life that u can never get rid-off… he/she might occur mistakes, give u peace, let u see happiness in u and others, open up ur heart and willing to break thru by standing next to u, putting on ur nerves, losing u to the ground…perhaps u can see him/her or perhaps u never notice him/her… maybe u can only smell him/her around u – always… perhaps he/she is just an empty space… but over all, he/she is sent by God to concur u!
U can never judge what’s right or mistaken till u’r in it… drown and finally see the whole surface to find a grab… if only u’d understand! A mistake in life is never realizing any good deeds while cursing thru urself (am listening to Flanella – bila engkau… remembering that this is one of my friends’ love song). Aaarrggggghh…. Am not going to curse on myself anymore, I promise to change to be someone better – that’s my evil wish on him, too… hope that he’d understand I grace the pain, I kiss the happiness before leaving and melt my piece to stain a memory…
Mistakes are not something to be hated, if only that’s right… my own best friend would be the 1st to hate and kill me, but she doesn’t… so, why cant I do the same to my sun? I will blame myself if u stop shining and instead burn urself while I cant do anything about it… I learn a lot more, that I need no repayment on those ‘words’ how much lovely would that be for me… the compassion is sincere, just like when God gives it to me… I want it to stay that way… hehehe, it’s just that am only human and I try to ‘punish’ u to accomplish the repayment – am so sorry, cher… ;p
Mistakes are every human being’s grounds, only God is the truth over all! May God forgive us and stay loving us thru times, amien…
LAUGHING AT LIFE
Sometimes it’s hard to admit that things which went wrong were actually supposed to happen. It’s supposed to go wrong and we deserved the punishment as much as it pays-off.
I just did it – again… it ain’t any Britney Spears’ song! But I realize that it’s something that I couldn’t hold up anymore, I blew up – which I thought I shouldn’t have… what’s with me? Am I really a born evil? Waiting for myself to be ‘if only I die’… destructing my surroundings just as what my father does (most of the time) – darn, I grew up becoming more like him, don’t I change?
Am laughing at my life, once again am trying to run away from my life… far – far away so that no one could find me. The songs hit me “Glenn – sedih tak berujung”, “ADA band – manusia bodoh” and “Marcel – jangan pernah berubah”. I tried so hard to turn around but I didn’t notice whether it’s me or God that put me back in the same position – once again… I kept silent! I curled up and sucked myself in to disappear.
One said – my dear best friend, I push myself too hard all the time to reach the limit… well, I cant help myself – it’s just me! Don’t anyone realize that am just a weak little princess that couldn’t stand the lose so she wont loosen up thru life… believe me, it’s just ME!
Am trying to laugh at life, am trying to cope with my mistakes, my evil wishes and deeds that intimidate people… I cant believe am back from my hibernation, again 2nite I realize how weak I’ve been these days (I cant deny how I enjoy these moments playing the same game… riddle of life… with him!). Am both laughing and crying over my momentum, I feel like soon the time will come and shut myself off – am afraid that am not ready yet to accomplish something.
God, what’s with me? I spent hours talking about what I’ve been dealing all alone coz I cant break the feeling, but I’ve had enough – AM TIRED… am opening my eyes and ready to leave! Thanks to my dearest friend for listening and laughing at my stupid deeds – over ride judgment, thanks to god for all these blessings, thanks to someone out there whom I put my eyes to as he’s the sun… thanks for the sharing – everything (it ain’t ‘good bye’!).
I’ve been waiting for years (it even felt like too much…) but I didn’t turn my back off, instead I stay longer than I ever expected… what’s with me? I always consider having feeling as weakness, enjoying it would be so much of a disaster ;p darn, I cant help myself… am stuck even deeper than before, as I realized am out of reach…am drowned, but what’s funny “I like it so much that I stand within”. Gosh, life’s is worth to laugh at… am laughing at myself right now, my mistakes, my being stubborn, my leaving, my dreams, as a whole… my being alive so far!
So I have to say before I go, I just want u to know I found the reason for me to change whom I used to be… a reason to start over new, the reason is u… am sorry if by doing so am hurting u. I’ve tried to fix everything and catch all ur tears… and the reason is u! am not a perfect person, pretty much like u… am trying to show a part of me u didn’t know so that u’d know all that I do… the reason is u!
I just did it – again… it ain’t any Britney Spears’ song! But I realize that it’s something that I couldn’t hold up anymore, I blew up – which I thought I shouldn’t have… what’s with me? Am I really a born evil? Waiting for myself to be ‘if only I die’… destructing my surroundings just as what my father does (most of the time) – darn, I grew up becoming more like him, don’t I change?
Am laughing at my life, once again am trying to run away from my life… far – far away so that no one could find me. The songs hit me “Glenn – sedih tak berujung”, “ADA band – manusia bodoh” and “Marcel – jangan pernah berubah”. I tried so hard to turn around but I didn’t notice whether it’s me or God that put me back in the same position – once again… I kept silent! I curled up and sucked myself in to disappear.
One said – my dear best friend, I push myself too hard all the time to reach the limit… well, I cant help myself – it’s just me! Don’t anyone realize that am just a weak little princess that couldn’t stand the lose so she wont loosen up thru life… believe me, it’s just ME!
Am trying to laugh at life, am trying to cope with my mistakes, my evil wishes and deeds that intimidate people… I cant believe am back from my hibernation, again 2nite I realize how weak I’ve been these days (I cant deny how I enjoy these moments playing the same game… riddle of life… with him!). Am both laughing and crying over my momentum, I feel like soon the time will come and shut myself off – am afraid that am not ready yet to accomplish something.
God, what’s with me? I spent hours talking about what I’ve been dealing all alone coz I cant break the feeling, but I’ve had enough – AM TIRED… am opening my eyes and ready to leave! Thanks to my dearest friend for listening and laughing at my stupid deeds – over ride judgment, thanks to god for all these blessings, thanks to someone out there whom I put my eyes to as he’s the sun… thanks for the sharing – everything (it ain’t ‘good bye’!).
I’ve been waiting for years (it even felt like too much…) but I didn’t turn my back off, instead I stay longer than I ever expected… what’s with me? I always consider having feeling as weakness, enjoying it would be so much of a disaster ;p darn, I cant help myself… am stuck even deeper than before, as I realized am out of reach…am drowned, but what’s funny “I like it so much that I stand within”. Gosh, life’s is worth to laugh at… am laughing at myself right now, my mistakes, my being stubborn, my leaving, my dreams, as a whole… my being alive so far!
So I have to say before I go, I just want u to know I found the reason for me to change whom I used to be… a reason to start over new, the reason is u… am sorry if by doing so am hurting u. I’ve tried to fix everything and catch all ur tears… and the reason is u! am not a perfect person, pretty much like u… am trying to show a part of me u didn’t know so that u’d know all that I do… the reason is u!
Virus Merah Jambu (*)
Dulu aku bertanya,
Untuk siapa aku ada
Barulah kini terjawab sudah
Dalam sesalku aku bertanya
Dengan apa aku mengubah dunia,
Aku merasa hina, buruk, dan tidak ada kekuatan apa
Barulah kini terbuka akan jawaban abadi dari semua
Aku ada untuk kekasihku satu-satunya
Karenanya kusibak dunia
Aku mulia, aku berkuasa, aku ada …
Demi dan hanya dengan …
CINTA
(*) taken from the book with the title above…;p sebuah buku yg menantang perhatian lo soal perasaan dan keyakinan terhadap diri lo ndiri! Don’t let it be a parasite in u coz eventually u’ll understand that it’s all about giving peace and space…
Untuk siapa aku ada
Barulah kini terjawab sudah
Dalam sesalku aku bertanya
Dengan apa aku mengubah dunia,
Aku merasa hina, buruk, dan tidak ada kekuatan apa
Barulah kini terbuka akan jawaban abadi dari semua
Aku ada untuk kekasihku satu-satunya
Karenanya kusibak dunia
Aku mulia, aku berkuasa, aku ada …
Demi dan hanya dengan …
CINTA
(*) taken from the book with the title above…;p sebuah buku yg menantang perhatian lo soal perasaan dan keyakinan terhadap diri lo ndiri! Don’t let it be a parasite in u coz eventually u’ll understand that it’s all about giving peace and space…
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