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Am still here, so SAVE me..

Mar 15, 2005

Knp jadi MARAH? Knp BT liat pa yg terpampang di layar (ni jelas bukan soal trading…)? Knp g malah terdiam n ga mikir…”sapa seh g!” , “apa yg g mo..” , even I shut myself and consider that this’s what supposed to happen from the very beginning… or else WAR!
Ketika wkt sujud datang, ingin rasanya menumpahkan buncahan yg tersangkut di tenggorokan, well… I believe now, there’s something WRONG with ME! My immortal is taking me down and am quite welcome to it… such pain that I grace to cover my own feeling – hey… besides, I shouldn’t – from the 1st place – be standing in between 
Sekali lagi sayap ku sudah patah… padahal blom lagi terbang ato mendekati terik matahari, like superman would say “so hard to be me..”. Sometimes I thank God for not letting ANYONE know how vulnerable I’d be… all they’d accept how I could smash myself and fly with no return – am only HUMAN, though… and it’s not easy.
Ketika waktu sujud tu datang dan lengkaplah senandung di sesaknya dada, yg hampir bisa kubayangkan adalah kebahagiaan – satu yg ga mungkin g rampas karena hanya dapat diciptakan. God would never hurt me – the one that he loves, he colors all the vision in my heart and I constantly ignore even misinterpret (forgive me, my dear God!). I can see the vision, the hope, the path that’s given (dan g cm panjang tangan dari kasih-Nya pada dunia… pekerjaan ni bikin g stress jg ya, mpe kadang2 sulit bt ngebedain antara harus ketawa ato nangis! Ato g nya jay g terlalu arrogant and selfish) and once the happiness comes – I ought to walk away.
No matter how, am still here… menunggu adalah satu kekejaman dunia, kekhawatiran tu seakan mencoba mencari celah tuk bisa menikam g mpe mati selamnya. Tapi sayangnya, cinta yg kau berikan, sang Khalik, mengangkat g jauh bahkan dari jangkauan yg lain karena entah betapa g menikmati rengkuhan-Mu ataukah g terlalu was2 akan terjatuh dan sakit. Bisakah g minta, that I am still here and u’d never change to stay?
Senandung nama-Mu akan datang lagi dan waktu kian bergulir, can u kiss the pain away or else just take my heart out of my body? I cant stop yhis damn tears… alone in my room, sucking my wounds…guess, Mr. Superman is out of reach that he could not hear me calling – “Somebody save me… I don’t care how u do… just save me… come on, I’ve been waiting for u… break right thru – I made this whole world shine for u… just save me, am still waiting for you!”
Lalu asa tu pun berlalu, seiring dengan meredanya badai dan berangkatnya kembali layar yg terkembang – hampir sempurna. Waktu sujud kembali memanggil, g cm bisa berkumandang dalam do’a dan bersimpuh meninta pengertian – lagi2, mudah2an sang Pencipta tiada bosannya.

Why Not?

Mar 11, 2005

Incubus is playing “I miss U” and Remi Zero is playing “Save Me” – soundtrack of Superman the movie. And I actually am… always, thru the day… in the middle of the nite… around sunrise or sunset… hearing each and every of ur call and signs!
By far I feel pain right now, I keep asking “why not do crazy things? Why not dance away as I like? Why not get rid off the thought? Why not let loose? Why not… why not…
Dear God, how much I miss u that it hurts inside. I need u to love me more just in the way that I always remain and remember… how come it didn’t slip over me to express my feelings right now. Am stuck, I hardly breathe, I cant move, I hate to be in this situation… I want to break FREE… WHY NOT?!
Am counting on my years to come, now that am 23 years old – still moving on… earning and consuming the rounding world ;p honestly it comes to my mind to feel love to grace the time and settle down, but how… I don’t even fall for ANY love… with ANY body… an almost NUMB (as if for Linkin Park song).
Even a superman needs time to lay his back down coz cant stand of flying, no different than me… I can almost cry (not fully a firkin robot…), fell down, bleed and crumble but one thing for sure I always and must try to SURVIVE.
Why not I get back thru times and fix all? Why not say ‘NO’ out loud? Why not reads ‘YES’ over my answer at a moment? Why not… why not chasing the years of my life? Am I gonna lose myself?
Somebody save me… I don’t care how u do… just save me… come on, I’ve been waiting for u… break right thru – I made this whole world shine for u… just save me, am still waiting for you!


(ps: To a very lovely person in my heart and life, please be patient – I’ll fulfill my promise, it’s just that it’s not yet the time… it hurts me bad for thinking and wanting ur happiness towards such matter. Last but not least, love is pretty much like life – so to someone having problem on it, just relax… god – the true lover – has the unpredictable given path but worth blessing and waiting for… am doing it so far and never giving up, so WHY doN’T u?)

(ps2: Always Remember (for all of you). Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad. Auf wiedersehen)

WORRIED

Mar 1, 2005

Diiringin lagu Brighth Lights-nya Matchbox 20 n Boulevard of Broken Dreams-nya Green Day, I realized feeling worried ;p about many things – this may be called progress instead of keeping skeptical-thought calling it a back-step.
Bulan ini permulaan terjun ke alam ‘kerja’ yg sama sekali baru & am gonna put my ego and all I have on board – there’s no turning back! This is a challenge – and I LOVE challenge ;)
Bulan ini juga semua yg ma2 pernah bilang alih2 bt ‘nyembuhin’ luka hati g mulai spinning around my black-rounded eyes (still… am untouchable), membuat g memahami sensasi2 yg berkembang dan tumbuh dalam denyut kehidupan g lebih dalam – coz all these times I always accept them without asking, that made me look stupid ). As I always do it, keep silent and analyze then you’ll learn a lot more than you’ve ever expected. What a semi-charmed kind a life…
Bulan ini jg, am gonna start a ‘new-different life’ (I hope it’s totally more normal than my usual round-chained world where there’s only me, myself and I… I just hope so…). Gosh, am no robot! Hehehehe… I cant help laughing when realizing that my best-friend RIAN misinterpreted my attitude almost constantly, which I always hope she’d be able to understand me for such times we’ve been friends – my mistake – I started my study over her earlier and left her behind :D Then again, Sandy yg tanya2 soal chemical-attached antara g&rian (friend at DEA) ato malah ma dirga? WHAT? Ato malah ma someone at the next building? I really cant answer it… really… honestly, coz I dunno the answer to that question (am even worried that it doesn’t suppose 2 be a question…).
Above all the worried I feel, am glad that I’d never be alone (I miss u all the time, my dear god – knowing that my fake smile is, eventually, one of the prove of my being vulnerable playing your life-game to win…)

Lalu kutanam di jiwa dalam-dalam
Kutumbuhkan dalam mimpi2 idealisme yg mengawang di awan…

Tapi Rabbi,
Berbilang detik, menit, jam, pekan, bulan, dan kemudian tahun berlalu…
Aku berusaha mencintaimu dengan cinta yg paling utama, tapi…
Aku masih juga tak menemukan cinta tertinggi untukmu…
Aku makin merasakan gelisahku membadai…
Dalam cinta yg mengawang,
Sedang kakiku mengambang, tiada menjejak bumi…
Hingga aku terhempas dalam jurang
Dan kegelapan…

Wahai Illahi…
Kemudian berbilang detik, menit, jam, pekan, bulan, dan kemudian tahun berlalu…
Aku mencoba merangkak, menggapai permukaan bumi dan menegakkan jiwaku kembali
Menatap, memohon dan menghibamu
Allahu ya Rahiim, Illahi Rabbi
Perkenankanlah aku mencitaimu, semampuku
Allahu Rahmaan, Illahi Rabbi
Perkenankanlah aku mencitamu, sebisaku
Dengan segala kelemahanku

Allahu Rahmaanurrahiim, Illahi Rabbi
Perkenankanlah aku mencintaimu semampuku
Agar cinta itu mengalun dalam jiwa
Agar cinta ini mengalir di sepanjang nadiku.

Kemudian hidup tu akan bergulir sepanjang ratusan tahun waktu (it feels so, they say…). Kita semua akan berjuang mengejar tahun2 tu kembali tanpa sadar, bener2 ga mo kehilangan momentum. Rasanya ratusan tahun waktu belum cukup untuk menumpahkan segalanya, tiba2 saja matahari bergerak menjauh dan guliran roda waktu beranjak angkuh menjauhi tiap2 jiwa yg tiada lagi berharga, berharta, dan bernyawa. You’d wish it’d be better than this when you only got hundred years to live…

All I Can Say

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average mind discuss events;
Small mind discuss people.

He, who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others,
You cant live long enough to make them all, yourself

Friends, you and me…
You brought another friend..
And then there were three…
We started our group…
Our circle of friends…
And like that circle,
There’s no beginning or end.

CEWE’ MATRE … GA DA MATINYE!

G ga lupa kisah2 yang sering dipaparin ma temen2, tante2, ibu2, om2… gosip kucing2 tetangga di atas loteng ato waktu bbagi ikan asin curian, anjing2 ketika btemu-sapa (bukannya g sk nguping ya :p) pkk hampir semua makhluk di dunia ni! G percaya hidup adalah konsep maka yg berkembang di dalamnya pun skedar anak2 konsep AKA jargon – kenapa? Karena jelas sekali tiada satupun kebenaran yg memiliki garis mutlak… apalagi kesalahan yg bener2 saklek.
Sapa bilang jd matre tu BENAR… BENAR... SALAH? Atau malah BENAR… BENAR… BETUL (hihihi… maksud ati br ga ketuker ;p)
Sapa bilang hidup berkecukupan tu ga boleh atawa dosa? Buktinya tak perlu dinanya dalam lubuk hati qt semua pengen slalu bs bernapas lega… ga usah REALLY WEALTHY, yg pas2an ja… hahaha… iklan ‘pas-pasan’ versi obat tempel - koyo gtu ;D (pas mo bli baju baru pas dpt duit, pas mo pergi jln2 pas da mobil, pas mo makan enak pas dpt traktiran… yeah, life-style baru!)
Layaknya ilmu, manusia jg memiliki byk sisi… jargon cewe matre bs jd salah satu sisi manusia yg blom terlihat selama ni (ato malah enggan qt liat? Denial of some living-parts?), jd ketika ‘dipake’ atau ‘terlihat’ di orang laen kesannya absurd… not normal… completely out of the question  (duh, kyk mang da ja ya cewe bae2?). The point is, human’s the source of mistakes – we do it constantly – it’s no big deal, asal jgn belebihan… kalo muntah kan berabe ;p lagian siapa seh yg ga mo hidup ENAK?

(*) inspired from a book entitled ‘Cewek Matre’