LAUGHING AT LIFE

Sometimes it’s hard to admit that things which went wrong were actually supposed to happen. It’s supposed to go wrong and we deserved the punishment as much as it pays-off.
I just did it – again… it ain’t any Britney Spears’ song! But I realize that it’s something that I couldn’t hold up anymore, I blew up – which I thought I shouldn’t have… what’s with me? Am I really a born evil? Waiting for myself to be ‘if only I die’… destructing my surroundings just as what my father does (most of the time) – darn, I grew up becoming more like him, don’t I change?
Am laughing at my life, once again am trying to run away from my life… far – far away so that no one could find me. The songs hit me “Glenn – sedih tak berujung”, “ADA band – manusia bodoh” and “Marcel – jangan pernah berubah”. I tried so hard to turn around but I didn’t notice whether it’s me or God that put me back in the same position – once again… I kept silent! I curled up and sucked myself in to disappear.
One said – my dear best friend, I push myself too hard all the time to reach the limit… well, I cant help myself – it’s just me! Don’t anyone realize that am just a weak little princess that couldn’t stand the lose so she wont loosen up thru life… believe me, it’s just ME!
Am trying to laugh at life, am trying to cope with my mistakes, my evil wishes and deeds that intimidate people… I cant believe am back from my hibernation, again 2nite I realize how weak I’ve been these days (I cant deny how I enjoy these moments playing the same game… riddle of life… with him!). Am both laughing and crying over my momentum, I feel like soon the time will come and shut myself off – am afraid that am not ready yet to accomplish something.
God, what’s with me? I spent hours talking about what I’ve been dealing all alone coz I cant break the feeling, but I’ve had enough – AM TIRED… am opening my eyes and ready to leave! Thanks to my dearest friend for listening and laughing at my stupid deeds – over ride judgment, thanks to god for all these blessings, thanks to someone out there whom I put my eyes to as he’s the sun… thanks for the sharing – everything (it ain’t ‘good bye’!).
I’ve been waiting for years (it even felt like too much…) but I didn’t turn my back off, instead I stay longer than I ever expected… what’s with me? I always consider having feeling as weakness, enjoying it would be so much of a disaster ;p darn, I cant help myself… am stuck even deeper than before, as I realized am out of reach…am drowned, but what’s funny “I like it so much that I stand within”. Gosh, life’s is worth to laugh at… am laughing at myself right now, my mistakes, my being stubborn, my leaving, my dreams, as a whole… my being alive so far!
So I have to say before I go, I just want u to know I found the reason for me to change whom I used to be… a reason to start over new, the reason is u… am sorry if by doing so am hurting u. I’ve tried to fix everything and catch all ur tears… and the reason is u! am not a perfect person, pretty much like u… am trying to show a part of me u didn’t know so that u’d know all that I do… the reason is u!