DO CRY!

One thing that I cant really do right now is crying, no matter how much I know that am hurt… I kept saying to myself that I can cry, am only human… I can be hurt, I can learn from things happened, but I cant cry… as if my water runs dry!
So funny to realize that I can cry over his being hurt and compassion but am numb over myself – again… I wanna be angry to God for setting me up into their matter, I wanna be mad to them for not being able to take care their relationship, I wanna be completely furious to myself over my own feeling that screwed everything-up!
The weather is even so supportive that it sets up rain and clouds to cover the sun; eventually he’s not my sun (he never belongs to me… he’s hers! Which I stupidly keep on insisting ;p), he’s just another light in my dark path accompanying me killing time over longing search and soon I’ll be leaving everything behind me to continue my search (as I keep on feeling ‘though I thought I’ve found my sun… firasat ni ternyata tidak salah).
Cuma ada banyak hal yg masih sulit buat diungkapkan, tatapan mata yg rapuh dan kosong, perasaan yg hancur, repayment, our deals, kenapa masih tetap ada dalam tiap bait perjalanan terakhir ni? Untuk apa semua tu? Kemana harus dibuang semua bayangan-bayangan tu? Kenapa seakan-akan semuanya terus merongrong untuk minta diselesaikan? Kenapa? Bukankah itu bukan hak ku lagi? Am NOBODY… and never will…:’( tapi kenapa seakan jiwaku masih tetap terikat dalam belenggu ni, betapapun permohonan atas rasa benci (well, I don’t hate friends… especially someone that I care about and that don’t change…) yang seakan sama semunya dengan kata-kata perpisahan, sepi yang seakan tak berani datang karena kita berdua malah terus mengeratkan diri satu sama lain demi rasa takut akan perpisahan dan terdampar – betapapun kita berusaha saling melonggarkan ikatan yg tak pernah ada keliatan (atau ini hanya perasaanku saja… egoisme yg terus-menerus tumbuh dalam diriku – ZUT!)! Menjelang tapal batas perpisahaan tu mkg masing2 dari kita akan mengerti pa maksud 4JJ SWT atas semua ni… (lagu SO7 – shepia is lingering in my head… am I? really?)
If am not around anymore, I just hope that (even when u consider the deals are off…) u’d consider on doing my wishes, since it ain’t any evil wishes and am not blackmailing u (how much I want it to…;p). Take a grab and hold on to it, as I used to hold on to u… just don’t let go as I did to u coz something happen in the way to heaven. Duh, putri rinjani… kamu mo kemana lagi seehhh?
I still cant cry over myself, am laughing over my stupidity! Meaning am still OK, right? Hihihi… Rian bakalan ngedelik kalo baca ni neh, well… I just hope she’d be as understanding as I am karena ternyata semua ni lah yg harus terjadi, that I cant stop loving him ‘though I know I’d be hurt – I don’t care… let it be the color of my life forever ;p and someday I’ll cry as am only human being.